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michelle webb

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[ archive | journal archive ]

i think i'll switch to [Mar. 23rd, 2009|08:51 pm]
[Current Location |bed. i hate this question]
[Current Mood | accomplished]
[Current Music |john mayer- slow dancing in a burning room]

another blog spot. take that, stalkers! >=] take that!
hah no one has that link.
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phuck [Mar. 23rd, 2009|01:18 am]
[Current Location |bed]
[Current Mood | sleepy]
[Current Music |radiohead- idioteque]

damn you pointless papers on The Holocaust!
today was beautiful. gloomy, but beautiful. i could have been reading, i could have been songwriting. but no, i spent my day dedicated to econ and religion. damn school. i'll be glad when i'm rid of you.
then again, i know college will be worse. will this viscous cycle never end?!
i'm way overdue for a nap.

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(no subject) [Mar. 22nd, 2009|01:56 am]
[Current Location |bed]
[Current Mood | creative]
[Current Music |regina spektor- musicbox]

jenna maranga  inspires me. john mayer. inspires me. they make me feel like failures to a certain extent-damn their overly artistic capabilities-, but they inspire me so so much.  they make me want to make music. i need to just sit down and write. write write write till i collapse from exhaustion.
not tomorrow unfortunatley. i have a religion paper and a econ paper to write. damn. how i sabotage myself.
organize my thoughts. stay focused. stay inspired. stay artistic. stay optimistic. nothing is brilliant the first time around. and this being my first real attempt, it definetly won't be anything to put on my i tunes. oh, recording equiptment. i need that! mac book maybe?
i just know i want to make music. for a living? that would be ideal, unrealistic but ideal.
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city traffic puzzle [Mar. 3rd, 2009|09:51 pm]
[Current Location |room]
[Current Mood | calm]
[Current Music |owl city- air traffic]

there's something so poetic about city traffic, isn't there? i don't mean traffic on the 91 freeway in los angeles; i mean, the kind of city traffic in chicago, new york where yellow cabs sit side by side engulfed by skyscrapers. people walking get places faster than those in motor vehicles and you can people watch in cars. you can get out an do a little dance with your traffic neighbor as you wait-something i wouldn't recommend by the way.
maybe it's the city itself i'm enamored with. city life. city people. what is it that fascinates me?
i was looking at pictures of chicago. in the snow, in the evening, in snow,in traffic. it's always beautiful from the pictures.
san fran, chicago, seattle, new york, l.a., new jersey all amaze me. i will live there some day.

tell me this isn't breathtaking.
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rain fall late nights. [Feb. 7th, 2009|01:45 am]
[Current Location |bed]
[Current Mood | curious]
[Current Music |ron pope- a drop in the ocean]

you know, sometimes i find myself wishing i could go back in time and change things. my laziness in junior high, my shy nature all through St. Bruno's, not ever starting any bad habits, being more forward with certain people i was interested in, taking up piano and guitar earlier in life, sticking with dance, staying in honors english, making a move in san diego [ i will never forgive myself for that], not putting up with all the shit i did for so long, preventing that little competition around prom time, i don't know.. but maybe if i had done all those things i wouldn't be who i am today. but would that really be a bad thing? i mean, how do i know that me isn't better than the current me. i know i'm making no sense. but all these what-ifs are dancing around in my head and some one -not me- is in charge of the choreography. i know. i. make. no. sense. at least not to anyone other than myself at this hour.
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why won't you talk to me? [Feb. 4th, 2009|09:56 pm]
[Current Location |room]
[Current Music |anberlin- there's no mathematics to love and loss]

i mean, i know we weren't terribly close but i didn't think you disliked me that much. your girlfriend and i seem to get along just fine. i'm glad i didn't give you my letter. telling you how i felt, how i still might feel could only have ended badly.
i'm getting my license in a few months. are we still on for that Borders date? i know there's no point in asking you questions here, but i can't very well work up the nerve to actually ask you. perhaps i could invite your girlfriend and you, it would be awkward, but i feel it's the only way you'd let me hang out with you.
i don't know how to do this, i wouldn't try anything. you have a girl, i have a guy. i'm sure we're happy with our respective significant others, but i would like to keep the friendship alive. is that asking too much? i don't think so.

i should really work up getting the nerve to call you. actually call you. then again, you could call me too. God, i'm lame.

oh, and on a side note. i did it again yesterday. i'd been doing so well, not doing it for months. i've let myself down more than anything. completely unrelated to what i wrote above, but the reason was stupid. i was feeling helpless and sad, and the instrument was just sitting there.. i could have found another way.
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i. hate. writer's block! [Feb. 2nd, 2009|10:49 am]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |library]
[Current Mood | nerdy]
[Current Music |something from the Twilight soundtrack]

i'm in the school library right now, finishing up my research paper on Twilight, and may i just emphatically say how much i suck? i'm not having a bum day or anything, i'm just frustrated that i'm not writing better right now. so of course in come here for a bit of a brain break. still writing though, to keep the juices flowing.
so let's see, something not Twilight related..i have little gremlin shanks all over my body! i keep waking up with tiny little cuts on my body and i have no idea why. they weren't there when i went to bed, and yet there they are every morning, tiny and painful, and strategically placed so i frequently bump them, thus causing more tiny waves of pain throughout my body. all that tiny pain adds up, mind you. i have this theory that tiny, gangster gremlins- i'll explain why they're gangster in a moment- come and stab me in the night. not stab. shank. only a gangster gremlin could shank a person while they sleep. how low is that?! cowards.. and so now i shall lie awake at night hoping to catch the little devils in the act -preferably before the act- and persuade them not to shank me. the cuts are getting annoying, and i can't very well cover every inch of my body with hello kitty band-aids. i only have so many.
damn you gremlin hos!
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red and gold [Jan. 30th, 2009|09:39 pm]
[Current Location |bad]
[Current Mood | disappointed]
[Current Music |versaemerge- authors]

well, i came to school today not totally stoked for red and gold kickoff. i don't think i ever really had been, but i guess i was expecting this year to be different. senior year. it should be exciting, right?
i've had my heart set on being on the gold team for my senior year since last year, when gold lost to red. i don't care what anyone says, the winning team switches off every year. last year it was red's year. this year it's gold's. i also had my heart set on being gold since i've lost every red and gold since freshman year, so it would be nice to win my last one. and it's stupid, but i'm getting bits of blond in my hair tomorrow which would go perfect with gold, so this all had to work out. it just had to.
i got to school only to find i was on red dance. i wasn't at all disappointed in my category. i love dance. i've done it all four years, and i'm not half bad. so if i was going to be on the losing team i was at least going to be on the best dance. krystal bueno had the best dance, hands down. and guess what i'm friends with her best friend, so i thought i was kinda set. i signed up, on that ratty old torn up sheet only half believing i'd ever make it. i wasn't too disappointed if i didn't get it though, i was planning on switching to another dance that was just as good. but no, not only did i not get my first choice, i got my last choice. a dance by a sophomore girl on the dance team. i hate it. i loathe it. i strongly dislike it. so now i sit here all pouty, knowing my team will lose and knowing i'm on the worst dance. fan-freaking-tastic.
and after all that shit. i go to talk to my friend, oh fuck i'll just say it, robyn; and she completely blew me off. maybe cause she doesn't wanna deal with the fact she's on the dance and i'm not? and then a group of girls were all talking about plans they made to go to lunch after school. sure don't mind me. i'm only right here and uninvited. why am i always the odd one out? why? fuck, i need to stop. i'm getting sulky all over again.
but all in all, i had a pretty shitty day. thanks for caring. i slept through most of it so i wouldn't have to think about it too much. damn.
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who just finished finals?! [Jan. 16th, 2009|09:51 am]
[Current Location |school library]
[Current Mood | accomplished]
[Current Music |versaemerge- mr. grinch]

i did! =D even thought i really only truly studied for about two subjects, i'm glad they're over with. that's today's positive.
on the other hand. today is tori's last day. words cannot describe how i feel. she's the first girl i've really ever liked and now what? no more? i told her i wanted to say goodbye before she left. i doubt she'll remember. grrr..
and i finished-er, progressed on- the "i just wanted to let you know i like you" letter yesterday. i'll never give it to her =/
grawr.
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why do i always feel... [Jan. 13th, 2009|04:57 pm]
[Current Location |bedroom floor]
[Current Mood | discontent]
[Current Music |band of horses- ode to lrc]

unwanted.
insignificant.
unwanted.
forgotten.
alone.
and no one seems to know or care that i'm the odd man out.
i'm sorry i can't go party every time you ask me. i'm sorry i can't afford a $2634289146129 ticket to go snowboarding. i'm sorry i don't drive or maybe we'd see each other more often. i'm sorry i'm still drowning in all the work i have to make up from those 3 weeks i was gone. i'm sorry if i don't give you enough space around your boyfriend, maybe i want to be let in your little exclusive world. i'm sorry if i seem a bit forward or clingy, but perhaps i'm afraid if i lose you i'll have no one left to call a friend.
i'm sorry i'm not quite as socially adapt as you. it takes me a while to warm up to people. i'm sorry we don't do theater together, maybe then you wouldn't leave me out so much. i'm sorry if you feel like you can't talk to me. it seems you never want to open up. i'm sorry i feel like i can't tell you certain things because i know it will change the way you see me. im sorry i'm annoying and pushy sometimes. i'm sorry, maybe i do deserve this, your emotionally detached attitude towards me. but damn, i'd hate to think you're becoming another ally. i'm sorry i'm writing all this because i'm sure it's mostly in my head and you're the kind of person who would never intentionally hurt anyone. i could never really be mad at you; but i am hurt.

most of all, i'm sorry i can be such a pessimist.
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here goes my rant. [Dec. 31st, 2008|04:04 pm]
[Current Location |bedroom floor]
[Current Music |Mayday Parade- Threee Cheers For Five Years]

so  let's talk about New Years. i say "New Year's Eve" and you say "party hats" "poppers" and "New Year's kiss". right? right. well, it just so happens that New Years Day is also my 7th month-iversary with Mark. i thought that was pretty special, and pretty exciting since when that whole New Year's Kiss comes around i usually have to grab a cousin by force and plant on on their cheek. but not this year, no. this year i have a boyfriend who will voulintarily let me kiss him, and it will mark 7 months. a feat in any relationship, but especially one where two teenagers are involved.
i invited him to join me for a party thing in Whittier. that fell through. he invited me to his house to play pictionary, that too fell through. my family want me to bring in the New Year with them. they know full well i'll be sulking, and would rather stay home alone than spend the New Year with them. to add insult to injury, no other friends invited me to any New Year's Eve get togethers. i love you too, guys.
so basically i've spent a good portion of today sluming around and drying my tear stained face. and it's not just because of today, believe me. there's more than i'm going to take the time to write about. my family are the absolute last people i want to spend today with. i've lost all urge to eat as well. great.
i wrote to To Write Love On Her Arms in response to a blog "wow, great job, TWLOHA and cheers for the new year. this maybe kinda selfish, but i'd like to ask for prayers tonight, bringing in this new year is gonna be a bit harder for me. thanks <3 and happy new years to all." and they responded. it brought tears to my already watering eyes "in our prayers for sure. peace to you." eight words never meant so much to me.
i don't know. i'm missing quite a few people recently, or rather the idea of them perhaps? holidays just amplify the emptiness, the void.  God, help me. i don't want to miss certain people so much tonight.
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(no subject) [Dec. 30th, 2008|11:34 pm]
[Current Location |bedroom floor]
[Current Mood | thoughtful]
[Current Music |darren hayes- a conversation with God]

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

 

Two Questions.

What was the highlight of your 2008?

What are you hopeful for in 2009?

: )

Currently listening :
Into the Blue Again
By The Album Leaf
Release date: B

for 2008 i don't know.. i've definetly grown and changed, mostly as a result of what i've had to deal with. maybe, finding friends with whom i can place my trust in. friends who will love me unconditionally.

in 2009, i'm not sure. i want to be happy. really, truly happy. i want to be self-reliant, self-assured. i want to love and know i am loved. i don't know/ we'll see what this year brings.

<3

Posted by defend the fiction on Dec 30, 2008 11:34 PM
[Reply to this]


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grawr. [Oct. 31st, 2008|01:05 am]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Current Location |bedroom floor]
[Current Mood |conflicted]
[Current Music |paramore- decode]

i hate this. combination of growing up, stress, raging hormones, confusion, sudden responsibility. i don't know. i think i like her, i know i get jealous whenever i hear of others who might like her. and yet i don't get the same butterflies for her as i do when i see a cute boy. i know i wouldn't mind dating her, being with her, kissing her. and yet i'm afraid that if i do all that, who i have built her up to be in my mind won't match the reality. and that could be earth shattering. it's stupid, i know.
she's amazing. she's the first girl i've ever really liked.. i think. she's cute, petite, funny, stylish, likes music, kinda tragic. and did i mention she's cute? i mean really, you have to see this girl. but i hardly ever talk to her. i doubt she even knows i like girls. i know i don't act the part.  im afraid of being too forward and scaring her away i suppose. so i sit and do nothing. paralyzed by the fear of rejection.
but do i really like girls? or is it just her? this is my dilemma. she's younger and already more experienced than i. i want my first girlfriend to be older, because as i told a friend before "i sure as hell don't know what i'm doing so i hope you do!" i don't know.. just her and this one other girl.. she was also younger, but unfortunately she lives out of state so i'll never know =[
she's so young, so full of life and so beautifully tragic. i want to know her.. maybe eventually be with her?
but that would require altering my current situation.. which i'm not quite ready for... yet.
i "love" him. i like her. i really, really like her. damn... and i think she liked me last year.. and i never acted upon it. now ally and shy know her.. she's not my own anymore. damn. why can't she see i like her? why on't she make the first move? if she likes me.. why won't she tell me? grawr. grawr indeed -.-

damn hormones.
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my freinds amaze me. [Sep. 29th, 2008|04:36 pm]
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |bedroom floor]
[Current Mood | content]
[Current Music |nevershoutnever!- yourbuggest fan]


i found this in my friend kristen's blog. i take absolutley no credit, but i foudn it quite inspring and quite relevant. =] <3


July 12, 2008 - Saturday

 

4:27 PM - happiness.
Current mood: happy
Category: Blogging

I was driving home tonight, listening to coldplay's new cd, when little splatters of rain started hitting my windshield.

These two things, combined with using the windshield wipers of my new car for the first time, suddenly made me so happy.

And I have no idea why. Doing much funner...much better things hasn't done the trick. I have been kinda miserable as of late.

And then I realized that happiness and sadness are kind of the same thing. I felt perfectly content in my car... to the point that it hurt.

I was so happy, that I felt sad. Maybe because I knew it wouldn't last. Maybe because I barely ever have moments like that.

Whenever I am truly happy, it suddenly brings pangs of sadness. Maybe I am just too young to even judge what emotions I'm feeling.
Whenever I am truly sad, it is because I am remembering something happy from the past that is no longer.

Maybe I am just too young to even control my emotions.

But one thing is for sure.... I listened to coldplay on a sprinkly night, and the drops on the windshield combined with the songs, made my day.

For some weird reason, it's something I will remember forever.

 

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tell me this isn't happening [Jul. 22nd, 2008|04:55 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]
[Current Location |den]
[Current Mood | crushed]
[Current Music |forever wings fold- we are the media]

 defend the fiction:
It's looking like you've been shown.
Deception in brick and stone.
They will buy your beliefs, they will buy your beliefs.
Know that the truth is yours, it's your own...
But it wont save you when you die.
So take your sides, defend the fiction.
Break the ties, defend the fiction.
Shatter the stone, it wont save you now.
We trace distorted lines.
We trace the lines; the so-called justafied are the damned that starve for light.
We trace distorted lines.
We trace the lines; the so-called justafied will defend the fiction.
So take your sides, defend the fiction.
Break the ties, defend the fiction.
But it won't save you when you die.

between the devil and the deep blue sea:
Follow demons where he goes.
We know the stories, they know where you are hiding.
So take another hit to stay alive.
By all means, gratified.
God I hope you're satisfied.
Follow him wherever he goes.
WOOAAHH...
How did you end up here?
There's no knowing what this would have become if you hadn't run, if you hadn't run.
Remember when we tried for better?
They know where you are hiding.
So take another hit to stay alive.
By all means, gratified.
I fucking hope you're satisfied.
Don't fight as it's pulling you under, killing you killing you.
You know your demons are here to stay.
You cast the final stone.
Just hope your fate won't find you, you think you know the world so well.
Take my word, you're living with demons, forever they sleep in your skull.
You can't stop it now by the likes of you, take my word.

eat the ground:
Passed away.
The whitest light, unanswered questions realized.
The truth is told but it's too late.
Salvation carved into the sun.
Won't you show it to me, show it to me?
We'll all go blind if this goes on.
Here's my attempt before I pass...
Step inside.
We're grasping too high for our reach.
It's right before our eyes, so open wide.
How can I trust what I can't touch?
We've breached the lines of safety.
Now, eat the ground, we all fall down.
It's out of my hands now, watch it go.
Watch it go won't you show it to me?
I'll I have grown from this faction.
We can't stop this; we never can, we never will.

some things are better left unsaid:
She said what she thought I'd want to hear.
But all I wanted was to hear her down.
This costly decision doesn't seem to harm me,
and I'm paying in the worst way I can think. 

She's hold on and holding in.
She's losing hope and caving in.
I'll catch you.
I'll save you.
I'll take it all away.
One more time, we'll pull through,
cause you take it all away.

As days pass,
I find I'm better off without you,
and all I wanted was to shut you out.
This costly decision doesn't seem to harm me.
I've never felt so free.

She's hold on and holding in.
She's losing hope and caving in.
I'll catch you.
I'll save you.
I'll take it all away.
One more time, we'll pull through,
cause you take it all away.

So what will I do now?
This decision seems so hard.
So waht will I do now?
So what will I do now?
This decision seems so hard.
So what will I do now?
What did you come here today for?
What did you come here today for?
What did you come here today for?
What did you come here today for?

I'll catch you.
I'll save you.
I'll take it all away.
One more time, we'll pull through,
cause you take it all away

the fall atlantic:
These confered thoughts
Dwell on the past
Sometimes it's all we've got
To take being optimized
Well cross, I surrender

Charged through the past
This may be your last chance
To walk amongst the ones that hide beneath the soul
And it's becoming hard to see
The light that's fading
Become what you want to be
This is what you wanted

Shattered to pieces
The leaves turned to ashes
We're all still living, we're all still living
And it's the end of the world
It's the end of the world that I know

You can't see, so I'll help you see
Everything that you know is everything you want now
It comes to an end here, It comes to an end here
Everything you want now is everything you know
It's history in your memory

And it's becoming hard to see
The light that's fading
Become what you want to be
This is what you wanted

Shattered to pieces
The leaves turned to ashes
We're all still living, we're all still living
And it's the end of the world
It's the end of the world that I know

It's all you know!
It's all you know...
All you know

Shattered to pieces
The leaves turned to ashes
We're all still living, we're all still living
And it's the end of the world
It's the end of the world that I know

Shattered to pieces (x7)


into the lion's mouth:
Disrupting the passage of time; the beast of regret has been biting over again, repetition.
Its all in my head, its coming closer.
My will is weak, youve reduced me down to this.

Burn all the chapters I wrote in blood.
And tear out the pages, send shock to the world.
Forget what you know; forget what youve heard; forgive my decisions for starting the fire.

Now over and over again Beware, my intentions are violent.
Is this the end? Youve reduced me down to this.

Burn all the chapters I wrote in blood.
And tear out the pages, send shock to the world.
Forget what you know; forget what youve heard; forgive my decisions for starting the fire.
Burn in hell. Youll burn in hell for this.

my medicine:
Oh my God, Theres no getting away from this.
Take, take, take my trust, my hope, and so whats left of me?
Im calling for help; concerned with my health.
Confide in what you will, am I awake?
The night keeps only what it can take, and Im wasting away.
If I can, I will hold on to these pieces, recover, and light the way.

Medicine, increase your dose.
Were breathing the oxygen; foreign and cold.
This night is long. Wont you stand up, be strong?
Well find a way, well find a way.
So wont you tell me that everything is going to be fine?
Tell me that youre holding on
Just tell me lies, am I awake?
The night keeps only what it can take, and Im wasting away.
If I can, I will hold on to these pieces, recover, and light the way.
Wind like fire, over and over. Can I find hope when I stand alone?


so, this is moving on:
Ill leave the cold patches and moonless nights to you
Ill be picking up where I left off, and Im finding out its so much easier

"This isnt in my nature," she said
The scars it made are weaving patterns in the fabric
I know its self-defeating but I cant stop it
Now Im finding out just what this could be

If this is moving on, now tell me how to get out
If you pick me up, Ill stand on my feet
And Ill be doing this my own way
The tables are turning, and your bridges are burning down
Is this what you wanted?
Now my assumptions prove me wrong again
And I know this really has to stop now
This really has to stop now
And I hate the way you make me feel cause its keeping me from moving on

"This isnt in my nature," she said
The scars it made are weaving patterns in the fabric
I know its self-defeating but I cant stop it
Now Im finding out just what this could be
If this is moving on, now tell me how to get out
If you pick me up, Ill stand on my feet
And Ill be doing this my own way
The tables are turning, and your bridges are burning down
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think about it.. [Jul. 16th, 2008|08:58 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ]
[Current Location |hot, hot room]
[Current Mood | apathetic]
[Current Music |alice in wonderland- unbirthday]

Here's to the kids.
The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of coke & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party.
Here's to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them.
Here's to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars.
Here's to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool.
Here's to the kids who care more about the music than the haircuts.
Here's to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush.
Here's to the kids who hum "A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Touch Me" when they're stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night.
Here's to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn't even know they existed.
Here's to the kids who have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower & didn't feel so alone after doing so.
Here's to the kids who spend their days in photobooths with their best friend(s).
Here's to the kids who are straight up smartasses & just don't care.
Here's to the kids who speak their mind.
Here's to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep.
Here's to the kids who second guess themselves on everything they do.
Here's to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that.
Here's to the kids.<3

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

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i am the patron saint of lost causes. [Jul. 14th, 2008|12:04 am]
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ]
[Current Location |bed =]]
[Current Mood | contemplative]
[Current Music |anberlin- dismantle repair]

one last glance from a taxi cab, images scar my mind… things are going to change now for the better. –anberlin

self harm:

“we have a tough time with things we don’t understand. and there is such a stigma, and a sense of confusion, and often times shame associated with these issues. and i think that the reality is that we feel so much of that is built on lies, and misunderstanding, and ignorance. and we really believe that everyone can relate to pain; everyone can relate to difficult seasons.. there’s times when life is really hard. So I think that everyone can relate to pain. we’ve learned that depression is something that’s very treatable and we think that this is a conversation that can be very hopeful. we just love this idea, this possibility of saying that people are not alone, that we can relate to these things and just to let people know that pain is real, but we really believe that hope is real, and that help is real. and that’s the conversation and the process that we’d love to be a part of. we feel like words like “counseling” and “treatment”, they tend to be big and scary but it doesn’t have to be that way. we think these are words that can be really hopeful and really powerful.” –twloha

 

“he had been encouraging her to write. would it be sensible, she’d asked. we’d then talked about the taboo involving self-mutilation, and the pros and cons of writing about it. perhaps a book would help families and friends understand what we went through- what was going on in our heads- what we couldn’t tell them. there were risks, of course.. what if instead of helping, it made someone start doing it?  she needed to weigh it up. i for one hoped she’d write something. there were self-help books and memoirs about anorexia, bulimia, depression, and so many other disorders, but so little was available on self-harm. there was plenty on the web, but it was often too graphic or too clinical… as I sat on the train home that evening, i wondered what had happened to what she’d written, an indeed what her story was. what made someone so clever, so able, so caring, harm herself? was her story, in essence, so very different from mine?” -bloodletting

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holding on the telephone; i hear your midrange moan [Jul. 2nd, 2008|11:41 pm]
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[Current Location |newly sheeted bed =D]
[Current Mood | hopeful]
[Current Music |faiulure- stuck on you]

if you're trying to say goodbye
i'm trying to say i'm willing to give this another go
please don't say goodbye.

<3

he called July 2, 2008 at 10:55pm.... to ask if i was going to the show on saturday then wanted to talk for a bit. i have no clue about what. but he didn't seem hostile.i should really get back to my chem project.. but i just had to record this briefly. and ironically i was contemplating letting him back in. hopefully... my prodigal brother has returned?

i don't want to get my hopes up.

and. i want to get serious with my vocal training. my thoughts have no order right now :p

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waltz reprise <3456 [Jun. 25th, 2008|11:15 pm]
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[Current Location |bedroom floor]
[Current Mood | crushed]
[Current Music |waltz reprise- north]

okay. they're this girl fronted band based in california and when i first heard about them my band was just starting up. they gave me hope. theri lyrics are littered with layer upon layer of meaning. substance. something that is hard to come by these days. the members  were all Christian and didn't shove theri beliefs down your throat, nor hide it behind a thin veil. ther were.. are.. eloquent and talented. thery were basically everything i aspire to have in a band. beautiful musicians, beautiful people. their music resonates with me and brings to life passion i didn't know i had. they gave me hope, and motivation. and now they're gone. i feel a bit abandoned.

Philia

If you have a point then make it.
I’m sick of lies, stop faking it.
Call me out, your blood.
You call me out.
Call me out, your blood.
You call me out.

And I’m looking down on you
Down on you
I’m looking down on you
Down on you
I’m looking down on you.
Down on you
I’m looking down
On you.

Bitter words I’ve tasted,
All this time, we’ve wasted.
Call me out, your blood.
You call me out.
Call me out your blood.
You call me out.

Chorus
You smile at the ones who mean the most,
I haven’t seen it in a while (not directly)
Can hardly face me,
Cause I’m not worthy of your time
I’m not worthy of your time.
Your precious time.

We’ll look out for each other,
A sister and her big brother
You call me out, your blood.
You call me out.
You call me out your blood.
You call me out.

Chorus

And I know that you may hate it when I tag along
But life may sometimes lead us where we don’t belong.
Maybe then you’ll see
The constant of your family.
Maybe then you’ll see
The constant of your family

I haven’t seen it in a while (not directly)
Can hardly face me
‘Cause I’m not worthy of your time
I’m not worthy of your time
Your precious time.

Chorus x2

Wake Up, Oh Sleeper

How did you get so left behind?
So far behind the steps he made so clear.
I can't say I didn't see this coming.
We're losing track of you,
You lost track of yourself.

(My friends)
The day you all grow up
Is the day you realize
How long its taken all of you
To do so.

What price are you willing to pay
To look this way?
He never meant for you
To be the same as everybody else
Just to be different.
Why not just be yourself?

(My friends)
The day you all grow up
Is the day you realize
How long its taken all of you
To do so
(oh-ay-oh...)

God tell him to be himself x4
(oh-ay-oh...)

I thought we were in this too
I thought we were in this too
I thought we were in this too
I thought we were in this together

The day you reach your full potential
It's nothing special
It's just like the rest.
(oh-ay-oh)

Parlay

I’m at a loss for words,
‘Cause everything I say just fades away
Before it hits their ears.
I’m isolated from within,
I’m so without it all.
Be my guide,
(Right by her side)

These walls are caving in
(This is where I rely on you)
Just push them back,
And share your strength.

Tell me I’ll make it through,
I would live or die for you.
But now, I just fade away.

It’s all happening,
Decaying thoughts from voices never heard.
This is what I feared.
Can’t face myself,
It’s too hard.
I’m my worst enemy.
I’ll close my eyes,
And let you see.

That these walls are caving in
(This is where I rely on you)
Push them back,
And share your strength.

Tell me I’ll make it through,
I would live or die for you.
But now, I just fade away.

Maybe I’m just losing it,
That’s what this feels like anyway.

Just push them back,
And share your strength.

Tell me I’ll make it through,
I would live or die for you.
But now, I just fade away.

These walls are caving in
(This is where I rely on you)
Just push them back,
And share your strength.

Tell me I’ll make it through,
I would live or die for you.
But now, I just fade away.


Transparent

I hear the ringing in my ear,
I'd pick it up,
But it's never for me.
I'd take a life line,
But it's never for free.
Count me out of this one.

It wasn't meant to happen this way
But nothing goes as planned.
It's not in my hand,
We're all in your hands.
(We're all in your hands)

The payphone,
The dialtone,
They're ringing in my ear.
Let's make this happen here.
I will go for it this time.
I will go for it this time.
I will go for it this time.

It wasn't meant to happen this way.
But nothing goes as planned
It's not in my hands,
We're all in your hands.
We're all in your hands.

Don't tell me it's impossible,
'Cause anything is possible.
And I'm reaching for it.
And I can almost touch it.
The heat from your breath
Is gaining on me
The heat from your breath
Is gaining of me.

I can't do this alone.
Will you never let me go?
I can't do this alone.
Will you never let me go?

Don't tell me its impossible,
'Cause anything is possible
And I'm reaching for it.
And I can almost touch it.


North
(Please don't hold against us what we struggle to hold onto)

Will we be remembered
for the love we forgot to show
please dont hold against us
what we struggle to hold on to

widowed from this place
i've grown so tired of
i'm here but am i really tuning in
to what's going on around me

please dont hold against us
what we struggle to hold on to

cause there's a big world out there
and the only surface i have scratched
left dirt under my fingernails.
dirt under my fingernails
i can't wrap my arms around it
and i can't wrap my heart around this

it doesn't matter who you're playing for
I'll always fight to regain things i've lost
and to find what i've been searching for all along.

cause there's a big world out there
and the only surface i have scratched
left dirt under my fingernails.
dirt under my fingernails
i can't wrap my arms around it
and i can't wrap my heart around this

it's time to let go
it's time to start over
it's time to let go
it's time to start over

cause there's a big world out there
and the only surface i have scratched
left dirt under my fingernails.
i can't wrap my arms around it
and i can't wrap my heart around this
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they will know you all of your life. [Jun. 25th, 2008|12:32 am]
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[Current Location |bed]
[Current Mood | grateful]
[Current Music |jonas brothers- burning up]

"my friend in my adversity i shall always cherish most. i can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity." -ulysses s. grant

thank God for friends who will sit up with me hours on end and listen to me cry, vent, think. thank God for friends who will defend my honor. thank God for friends who are blatantly honest, and unconditionally there for me. words could never express my gratitiude. thank God for friends who will dream with me, plan with me, learn & grow with me. thank God for the friends who never fail to make me smile when i need it most. thank God for the friends who make me cry from laughing so hard. thank God for friends who have helped me in any way, shape or form these past seventeen years. i owe you so much. thank God for friends who remind me not to take life too seriously, and dance with me in the middle of Downtown Disney. :]

life is too short to be bitter, to hate, to hold grudges. life is too fleeting to not remind people how much they really mean to you. so, to anyone who has ever taken the time to listen to my woe, to anyone who has heard my secrets and not judged me for them, to anyone who has ever offered me their shoulder to cry on, to anyone who has offered insight, opinion, or advice, and to anyone who has made me feel like i was worth something; i thank you. i love you :]

<3
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